Red Complaints
by Mentalgal
Summary: Jane finds himself Suspended. And bored. With Lisbon, Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt all busy or cross with him, he resorts to complaint files to entertain him. Jisbon and Rigspelt :
1. Boredom

**Hi! Mentalgal here! And due to a request for a humor fic I decided to writer one. here ya go, let me know if I should continue. And here's a warning. I suck at humour xD**

It was a shoe. A shoe! How was he supped to know that the victim's shoe was worth over 250000 dollars? Yes is was real leather, and a real gold buckle, and yes, so there were some diamonds, but surely he wasn't expected to know these things? And what was with Hightower? Suspension? Seriously? He did not need to be suspended right now.

"Jane I already told you, go home. I can't change Hightower's decision." Lisbon said as she raced down the corridor, Jane following her like a puppy at her heals.

"But-"

"No more buts Jane, go home or I'll get someone to drag you there. You heard high tower, "Suspended until further notice." meaning you have to go _home._ Not hang around me."

With a pout-ridden face, the consultant crossed his arms like the child he always seemed to be, and stormed off... To Cho's desk.

"Hey Cho." Jane said, after peering over his shoulder to ensure Lisbon hadn't in fact seen him remain in the building.

"You're on suspension Jane. I'm not supposed to talk to you."

"Well that's a little exclusive don't you think?" Jane asked, pulling up a spare desk chair to Cho's desk, then sitting, legs crossed.

"It's the rules."

"And you've always been one to follow rules haven't you Cho." Jane said with a smirk, reminding him of his gang days, and of course, that Jane had full knowelege that Cho lied for Rigsby to LaRouche.

Cho looked at Jane, then back at his book. A few seconds later,

"Stop it Jane. I'll tell Lisbon."

"Stop what?"

"Watching me read."

Jane put his arms up in surrender, then as Cho turned back to his book, looked around for something a little more entertaining than a dead-pan Asian reading 'Wuthering Heights' for the billionth time.

A filing cabinet, boring. Window, boring. Complaint files, boring. Rigsby, hm... This could be fun.

Jane made his way over to Rigsby's desk, dragging the chair with him. Once comfortable, he made his attempt at conversation.

"So... 'Wayne'... Did your mother give you that name?"

Rigsby looked up from the files he'd been reading and stopped chewing on the chips he had in his mouth to think about the question. Before he got the chance to answer, Jane had continued.

"Coz I was thinking. Wayne rhymes with Jane!"

Rigsby finished chewing and turned to Jane, and with a quite voice he asked,

"Aren't you like - on suspension?"

This wasn't going to work. Lisbon wouldn't talk to him, Cho wouldn't talk to him, Van Pelt was out with Craig somewhere and Rigsby was trying to get Lisbon to like him so she would talk to Van Pelt for him. You could count on Rigsby to think up a crazy idea like that.

"Yeah... Yeah! I am!" Jane said in response.

Leaving Rigsby with a confused expression, Cho in his book and Lisbon hidden away in her office, Jane decided the complaints files might be more entertaining then he originally thought.

He made his way over to the boxes of banyalla folders of complaints, and soon enough found his file. Well, files. Well okay, so it was two and a half boxes. But he found his files, and began to read.

**Let me know if I should continue, I appreciate feedback too, thanks!**


	2. Jane's First Complaint!

**Okay so last chapter was more of a prologue, and here is Jane's first Complaint! **

**Hope you like it! Taylor Grace helped me with the humour xD Smart woman. xD**

Complaint filed against: Mr. Patrick Jane

Reason: Wheelies on lawn

Jane remembered this case. They'd solved it in a day thanks to him and his marvellous plan.

***Flashback***

It all started when he first got a permanent job as a consultant of the CBI. It was his first case where his Boss and Supervisor was Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon. He found her funny, although he could tell she hated him, he knew they would grow close.

He'd just received the phone call from Lisbon to meet up at their first crime scene of the year. Once he arrived, he got a brief run-down of the case, and began studying immediately. The victim was a seventeen-year-old boy, found in a cheap car with a bullet-wound to the shoulder. He had left home several years before the incident, and didn't own any firearms. He had no criminal record, although he had received several complaints about speeding and tearing up lawn on one particular street. That was all they had, apart from the bullet, which was still inside the victim, which was a 9mm. Entered at the shoulder and pierced the heart. The bullet had travelled through the window of the driver's seat, meaning the victim was in the car, most likely driving at the time of the murder. No shells were found by the river, but other tire tracks were, but those tracks were to eroded to be traced. Then it appeared obvious to Jane that it was an angry neighbour, fed up with the noisy driver.

So once they were back in the office, Jane made his way over to Lisbon's desk, which happened to be right next to a brown leather couch he had taken a liking to.

"Hey…. Teresa right?" Jane asked, scoring an evil glare from his boss.

"It's Lisbon, Ma' am, or Boss to you."

"Riiiight. Anyway, I was thinking, when are we going to check out the people that live on Rooka Road?"

"Why would we do that?" Lisbon asked, obviously still annoyed about Jane being there.

"Well you know, no other people to question, and the small fact that everyone on the street has motive."

Lisbon looked even more irritated.

"Fine," she said, "Go. Take Cho. You two can do numbers 1-9 and Van Pelt and Rigsby can do 9-18. Alright? Now go. Report back to me in two hours."

"Ok… Teresa," the consultant said, before slipping out, tapping Cho on the shoulder on his way. The Asian looked up to his boss and with a nod, left in the same direction Jane had.

Once they had arrived at the third house, Jane had completely lost interest. So far it had been an old lady called Sheryl, and an old man called Robert. Now they were at the house of a well-built man, about 35, with frown lines, called Jerry. Cho went inside, and when Jane came in, after taking a quick glance of the atmosphere in the room, slammed the door.

"DON'T!" The man said, before his mind reminded him of who he was talking to, "Sorry, I just, I don't want the door to splinter. Sorry."

"That's okay, it's fine. I'm sorry." Jane assured him, and watched the man as he sat down opposite Cho.

Jane watched this one closely. He definitely had issues.

Cho continued asking questions, one after the other, until he was rudely interrupted by Jane.

"Do you own a gun Jerry?"

"Er… uh… no, no, um…" Jerry cleared his throat, "No.."

"Rubbish. Where is it?" Jane asked, sensing that Jerry was going to break.

"I don't own a gun I DON'T OWN A GUN!"

Cho decided he should calm the man down before Jane lost his head, although he was tempted to let the man at him, he had to take action when Jerry stood up, voice raised.

"YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! TO COME IN MY HOUSE AND ACCUSE ME OF SUCH THINGS!" the man yelled, walking up to Jane, but into Cho.

"Sorry sir, we'll go now. Sorry for the bother."

The man nodded, then clutched his brow and sat down as the two left.

"Guilty much?" Jane asked Cho with a smile.

"Yeah, probably. Or just in desperate need of anger management."

"Hm." Jane said as they continued to the next house. The owner of this house was Stephanie Mullock, and she was about 28.

On the way up the driveway to the door, Jane noticed a large, black four wheel drive parked out the front. It had a tow-bar, perfectly capable of towing a cheap car like the one the victim was found in down to the river, as well as river sand stuck to the wheels.

"Cho?" Jane asked, receiving a blank look from the man, "You go inside, I ned some air."

Without a word Cho turned back to the door and knocked, soon enough greeted by Stephanie and in another second inside with the door shut. Jane took this as his chance to close this case once and for all. He tried the door of the car. Not locked. Content, Jane comfortably slipped inside the monster of a car. He found the keys in the glove box, and took them, started the engine, and backed out onto Jerry's lawn.

Cho heard the engine start and knew Jane was up to something. Excusing himself from Stephanie and walking quickly outside, he arrived just in time to see Jery marching out of his house with a glock nine millimetre in hand, aimed at a large four wheel drive that was creating big brown donuts on the man's lawn, tearing out the roots, with a blonde, three-piece-suited man in the driver's seat. Cho pulled his gun.

"CBI! Drop the gun!"

Jerry turned to Cho, then his gun fell to the ground. Jane drove up onto Stephanie's driveway and stepped out to see Cho handcuffing a less intimidating Jerry, then dragging him up and over to the CBI van.

Stephanie was the one that filed the complaint, and she only just didn't file one about stealing her car. Jane managed to flatter her enough to get out of that one, and she was excited to help with solving a case. Lisbon wasn't so excited however.

"Do you promise this will NEVER happen again?" she asked Jane, looking up to him with a pen in hand.

"What ever do you mean dear Lisbon?"

"You know what I mean. Causing crap that I have to clean up!"

"Ah yes. Yep, no more. I promise. No more. This is sure to be a one off."

*end of flashback*

Jane couldn't help but smile at the memory. No more. Ha! As if.

**You like? Let me know! Lol in a Review! If you want, you can suggest a complaint. Something really general, and I'll tell you what happened xD**


	3. Jane's second complaint xD

**A/N: Sorry it has taken me so long to update – school, blah blah blah. Here's the next chap, please review, and feel free to offer ideas of what complaints could be **** Many Thanks to Riva! (wee becca xx-SkySplitz) for the complaint idea!**

He put the old folder back in the box and walked to Lisbon's office, and after hesitating to revise exactly what he was going to say, knocked twice then went in.

"Hey Lisbon."

Lisbon looked up to him, her gaze burning through his skull, and he decided he'd better talk fast.

"Hey remember that case, our first case, and I did those wheelies on that woman's lawn?"

"What? .. uh… yeah? Why?"

"It was funny huh!" He chuckled as he finished.

"Jane. Go _home._ You are suspended."

…

As Jane strutted back into the bullpen he mimicked her voice.

"_Go home! You're suspended!_ Meh."

He strolled over to the complaint files and picked out another.

Complaint filed against: Mr. Patrick Jane.

Reason: Smuggling diamonds out of a private vault.

He smiled at this. His past self was amusing to read about.

** Flashback **

"She's hiding something." Jane said as he and Lisbon left the mansion of a widow.

"No kidding. I'm already getting Cho to start piling up evidence and Rigsby to find alibis for the other suspects."

"So you are jumping to a simple conclusion and putting all your money on one horse?"

"What?"

"All your eggs in one basket? What do you western types say…"

Lisbon answered with an elbow to his ribs, before saying, "Cases like this are simple. The widow did it. She has no alibi and was thinking about divorce. Maybe he disliked that idea and things got ugly?"

"M… I think boyfriend."

"What? She hasn't mentioned a boyfriend."

"Why would she? She was a married woman! Her husband was wearing a cheap suit. Their house is full of cheap furniture, and yet she is wearing a 500 dollar dress and a diamond necklace!"

"So?"

"So," He said obviously, "I was looking at pictures of them around the house. In the older pictures, they both seem the same wealthiness, but in the most recent, she has new jewelry, her hair is professionally done. My bet? Boyfriend."

"Whatever. I blame the widow." Lisbon said, leaving Jane to his Citroen as she shut the door of the van.

Jane knew there was a vault. A secret vault where the widow must keep her jewels… there was no way she would keep them on display, her husband would sure be curious…" He jogged over to his Citroen, watching Lisbon leave. Then he headed back to the house, and knocked on the door. The widow answered and he pushed past her, silently ignoring her questions, peering behind furniture and picture frames until he found what he was looking for… a picture frame of a horse and carriage, the only frame not covered in dust.

"Thankyou." Jane hurried out of her sight, towards the front door, then swerved into a closet.

"Goodbye Mr. Jane!" he heard the widow call out the front door.

He waited until dark, then hurried over to her picture frame, lifting it and picking the lock swiftly. Inside was a huge jewelry box. The prints of the boyfriend were sure to be on it, so he lifted it out of place. Big mistake. WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP! There was an alarm. He grabbed the biggest diamond from inside he could find and made for the door, but it was opened for him by a local cop.

"Patrick Jane?" They said, "What the hell are you doing?"

So it turns out there was in fact a boyfriend and it was he, but the widow filed the theft complaint. How selfish, he thought. She should be grateful. Jane looked up to his Elvis roof stain and was about to doze off when he felt a kick at his chair and looked to see Lisbon glaring at him, unimpressed.

"What the hell is this?" She asked as she held up an emerald.

"Ummm… evidence?"

"You stole it didn't you? Dammit Jane! I just filled out the apology form and now I have to go say, "oh yeah he stole this too. Sorry!" God Jane..."

** End of flashback **

Jane finally realised something… maybe he was a little too hard for Lisbon… maybe he should stop breaking the rules so often and try to assist her in the paperwork he induces, maybe he should change for the better…

Nah.

Jane closed the file and slipped it back into the box, spinning on his seat. Lisbon loved the challenge, he knew it.

**Losing inspiration for this one… please review and give suggestions for future complaints :D**


	4. Another comlaint!

**Hey Guys, sorry for the late UD but I have been so busy and Lazy for so long that I havent gotten round to it. Anyway so enough people begged me to UD, including my friends TheParker, and Taylor Grace to name two xD So thanks to all my wonderful reviewers who have encouraged me along the way **** Enjoy **

Jane reached out to the box and picked it up as he stood, smiling. Ah! Grace was back. He walked over to her.

"Hey Grace!" He said with a grin,

"Hey Jane," Grace said simply, waking up her computer with a wiggle of her mouse.

"Grace, would you do me a favour?'

Grace looked up from her computer, wearing a helpful smile.

"Sure Jane, what is it?"

Jane held out the box and received a rather confused look from Grace afer she'd read, "COMPLAINTS: PATRICK Jane" from the label on the front.

"I just need you to pick out one of these files. Any one, read out what the complaint is for and I'll tell you whether it's a good choice or not."

Still looking a little unsure, Grace eyed the box, then Jane, and with a shrug, ran her hands over the files until she reached a random point, and she lifted out a file, opened it, and read, "Hypnotising and theft."

Ah yes.

"Thankyou very much Van Pelt, a very good choice."

Van Pelt gave him a raised eyebrow, then turned back to her desk as he returned to his couch, reading the complaint file as he went.

Complaint filed against: Mr. Patrick Jane

_Reason: Hypnotising and Theft._

He read on, and soon recalled exactly what happened.

***Flashback***

Jane hadn't been at the CBI long, but long enough to know that he could hypnotise people into confessions and they wouldn't count, Which he thought was stupid. They were working on a case regarding a man who clearly worked undercover for the FBI, who had been shot dead on duty. They couldn't identify him, because he only carried his fake ID. Lisbon had already tried reaching out to the feds, but to no avail. Jane knew he could get the ID.

He had made his way to the FBI HQ and walked in the front door, subtly covering the "C" on his ID card as well as "California" when he presented it, so only "bureau of investigation" and "BI" would be visible, allowing him to claim he was in fact consulting to the FBI. He managed to get alone in an office with an agent, and used hypnotism to gain the passwords and access to find the victim's ID.

Soon enough, the name popped up.

"Thankyou," Jane said, leaving the agent in a temporary trance whilst he left.

***End of Flashback***

And that was the first time Lisbon had gone off at him about hypnotism. This reading of files reminded Jane that he used to be so cool, and needed to start hypnotising again.

Probably not the lesson Lisbon wanted him to learn.

Ok I am sorry if this chap wasn't very entertaining but I seem to have a block in my head. XD Please review :P


End file.
